218) ...وشعرت ببرد داخلي .. فمن ألوم؟!ا

الأربعاء ٤ يناير ٢٠١٢
شارع الثورة - القاهرة

تسمرت مكاني .. صُدمت .. ولُذت بالصمت .. وشعرت ببرد داخلي .. وتملكني إحساس واحد

"احتاج أن يربت أي شئ علي كتفي ولو حتي قطرة مطر"

رأيت قد ما رأيت من نماذج كثيرة ومتنوعة من البشر .. وكنت دوماً أحمد الله إذ لم يكن بينهم "بلطجي" .. حتي ظهر لي..!ا
.. وكأن الله سبحانه وتعالي أراد أن يستكمل لي كل أنواع الإبتلاءات ليكثر ذكري له وحمدي وشكري
.. فالحمد لله إذن لأني أعلم بيقين أن العاقبة للصابرين

دارت برأسي الأفكار .. فكرة تلو الأخري .. وكلُُ في دائرة مُغلقة!ا
الحرامية .. إلي متي؟!ا
البلطجية .. إلي متي؟!ا
الفوضوية .. إلي متي؟!ا
إزاي فيه ناس كدا .. عايشة لكن ميتة ..!!ا
لا يشعرون .. لا يفكرون .. لا يتقون الله .. ولا يخافون..
فمن ألوم..؟

المشهد هز كياني هزة شديدة بنظرة واحدة في لحظة واحدة ..

زجاج السيارة مكسر "فتافيت" ومنتشر في كل مكان في الواحدة ظهراً ..
الباب مفتوح .. التابلو مفتوح .. الشنطة مفتوحة ..
وقد أخذ كل شئ .. ولم يترك لي شيئاً ..
أشياء غالية .. وأشياء مهمة .. وأشياء لها معني بحياتي ..
أخذ كل شئ .. وغاب ..
وأخذ معه اتزاني وأماني وجميل خصوصياتي ..
فتشت أول ما فتشت عن شئ ولم أجده .. فأصبت بقرصة في قلبي في الحال

رأيته قبل إرتكاب جريمته بلحظات ..
ولأن الله سبحانه وتعالي اعطاني موهبة الإحساس ..
فقد شعرت به .. وبانت لي نيته..
ولكن شئ ما -غالباً هو القدر- جعلني افتقد الدهاء للحظات ..
فرغم أنني لاحظت الفخ .. إلا أنني لم أعرف كيف الهروب منه
فمن ألوم..؟

الحمد لله .. لم اره أثناء إرتكاب جريمته .. ولكنني كدت أري بصماته في كل زاوية ..
وتصورته مثله كمثل الكلب إن تحمل عليه يلهث أو تتركه يلهث ..
وحسبته مجرم .. لص عاصي وقاسي - الله يهديه
ومن الجائز أن يكون جائع أو عاطل ... والعلم عند الله وحده
فمن ألوم؟

دارت الأفكار برأسي من جديد ..
هل مثل هذه الهزة التي جربتها هي السبب الرئيسي وراء تحريم السرقة والترويع؟
وذلك لما تخلفه في النفس من أذي شديد ..
ماذا كان يمكن أن يحدث لو كنت رأيته وهو يرتكب جريمته؟
وهنا حمدت الله حمداً كثيراً ..
هل كان يراقبني؟
هل هناك سبب دفعه لإرتكاب مثل هذه الجريمة؟
كيف يمكنني إستراد أشيائي؟
هل فعلاً لابد أن يلجأ المجني عليه إلي البلطجية ليردوا له حقه- كما يصرح رجال الشرطة في الأقسام!!ا
كيف يمكنني أن ألملم نفسي واسترد دفئ الداخلي؟
ومن ألوم؟!ا

ووسط هذه الموجة من الأفكار والرهط من الأسئلة ..
أخيراً انتبهت إلي شئ .. لمسني .. وهزني ولكن هزة من نوع آخر .. هزني برفق ..
لقد أخذ كل شئ .. كل شئ ..
ولكن ..
ترك سي دي عليه سورة النور ..
طبعاً ... فالبلطجي لا يسمع سورة النور ..
وحتي لو سمعها أو قرأها لا يخاف منها وهي تقول بصريح الآية الكريمة
"وتحسبونه هيناً وهو عند الله عظيم"
وإذا كان لا يخاف الله ..
فمن ألوم ..؟!ا

وترك مصحفي الصغير بالتابلو ..
وسجادة صلاة في الشنطة ..

هل أراد رب العالمين أن يربت علي قلبي؟
هل أراد عز وجل أن يوحي إليّ أنه هكذا سترجعين إليّ؟
ليس معك من الدنيا شئ إلا قرآنك وصلاتك (أعمالك) لأنها هي الباقية؟
هل أراد أن يعلمني ألا أتعلق بالأشياء أكثر من اللازم لأنها -ولابد- زائلة؟

وبدأ يعود الدفء الداخلي من جديد .. لكنه لم يكتمل بعد .. فمن ألوم؟!ا

أمام الله الحكم العدل رفعت دعواي .. فحسبي الله ونعم الوكيل
...

214) 10/10/2001 - 10/10/2011 ... 10 ans déjà!!

الحمد لله .. ومن قلب قلبي بأقولها ..
الحمد لله .. اليوم من أعماقي أشعرها ..

الصدمة كانت جامدة قوي .. مأقدرش أنكر دا .. لكن كمان مأقدرش أنكر إنها كانت فيها الشفاء!ا

حلم حياتي باظ من عشر سنين بالضبط -أو لتعبير أكثر دقة- اللي كنت فاكراه حلم حياتي
وساعتها كنت فاكرة إني هأموت .. هأموت بجد يعني مش هزار!ا
المدهش .. إني دلوقتي حاسة إنه أحسن حاجة حصلت لي بحياتي .. إنه باظ .. وراح في ستين *****! - مش لسبب غير إني إتأكدت دلوقتي إنه ماكنش خير خااالص .. وفهمت إني كنت عيلة شبطانة في اللعبة الوحيدة اللي لا يمكن تنفعها و تسعدها .. فربنا رحمة منه بها كسرها اللعبة دي علشان تسيبها خالص .. ففضلت هي تلصمها وتصلحها بإصرار لحد ما عورتها - كان لازم تتوجع علشان تتعلم .. وكان لازم تتجهز علشان تتحمل .. وكان لازم تتعد حتي لو هتتألم

إنهاردة العيلة فهمت قد إيه العشر سنين دول كانوا مهمين
وإن الصدمة .. كانت حنية
والحلم اللي باظ .. كان رفق
وإن الوجع .. كان طبطبة
والظلم .. كان حب .. حب كبير!ا
وإن الحرمان .. كان حضن .. حضن دافي قوي

الحمد لله يا رب ..
أعدتني .. وجهزتني .. وعلمتني .. واصطفيتني .. واجتبيتني .. وبنيتني .. ورزقتني .. وهديتني .. واعطيتني .. وجبرتني .. واستعملتني .. ونصفتني .. ونصرتني .. وراضيتني .. وفهمتني ..... وخلقتني من جديد!ا
...

دلوقتي بس أنا جاهزة علشان أحلم حلم جديد .. وهأعمل خطة جديدة لحياة جديدة ..
ومش هأزعل ..
...

مش عارفة ليه متفائلة .. وحاسة إن مصر بتتوجع دلوقتي علشان بعد عشر سنين هتدهش العالم كله

إهدئ يا مصر .. فالقادم أجمل .. ولك رب سيعطيكي حتي ترضي
...

208) ...Stop, Please STOP!

Dear Life,

I love you.. you know it.. and even if no one else in the world cares about you, I do.. so please dear, you don't have to constantly force me to prove I am tough, independent and strong woman.. bera7a 3alaya ba2a please! .. Please Stop It.. and I think I have proven my case sooo many times.. I know Life, you can change from one second to the next.. and I am sure that somewhere the right moment is waiting for me and that this is just a test of my power.. I also know that God made the world in six days and that I have to be patient and you know that I have always prepared myself to be that strong and carry any burden and never to complain, bas walahi te3ebt!

I didnt notice the changes.. I thought everything was fine.. that the bad things would just go away.. that it was a matter of time.. and I said the pain always passes.. and then, sunddenly, I realized that you have treated me unfairly, Life.. and taken from me the most important thing; love.. " the delusion".. delusion? .. yes he said it "delusion" .. why! ..

You know when you see something that makes you doubt your eyes.. something that can't be true.. the little restart your mind has to do just to understand .. why?!

Dear Life, I have already had my fair share of suffering and you know it; now.. don't you think I deserve a little peace and comfort?

bera7a 3alaya ya Rab..

Nouna ( Flooded with tears & frustration)

...

177) ... وفرت دمعة من عيني

لا أطيق الحزن طويلا .. (ولا قصيرا باين علي) .. واليوم كنت علي وشك أن أكون حزينة .. ولكنني لحسن الحظ لم أجد الوقت .. الحمد الله علي كل حال .. ولكن أليس مؤسفا أن ينشغل رأسي الصغير ويزدحم إلي هذا الحد! .. إلي حد يمنعني من أن أجلس إلي مشاعري .. هل أنا التي عودت نفسي أن أزحمها لأقومها .. أم هكذا وجدتني .. أم تراني أجبرتني أن أشغلني وأشغل رأسي لسبب ما في نفسي .. !!! .. المهم فرت دمعة من عيني .. والحمد لله لم يلحظها أحد .. فلم أحتاج أن أخفيها .. تركتها تفر من عيني وتنحدر علي وجهي المستدير

:أكمل الجملة الآتية

. . . . . . . . . اشتقت إليك فعلمني

---

164) ...and it's already Feb. 23, 2011!

It was a year since two friends who used to respect each other were complete strangers ... and they coudn't even stand each other ... They hurt each other badly with all possible means ... and then, one of them was brave enough to take steps in order to give this pure friendship the chance to live ... and the other one was kind and smart enough to appreciate the first person's deeds and realize the truth ... and above all it was Allah's Hand; Allah and only Allah has repaired everything ...

Friendship is perhaps one of the most beautiful relationships that two people can share; it's really valuable on its own... It is about sharing each other’s opinions.. dreams.. fears.. aspirations.. and hopes. It is about cherishing old memories and creating new ones everyday. and it does require a sound mutual understanding with lots and lots and lots of love and care for each other...

So, please.. if you have a friend with whom you’ve fought a big fight for some reason (the reasons for a broken friendship might be many) then it's time to forgive and give them a call or meet up.. Life Is Too Short to hold grudges and harbor bitterness.. cherish the people who have been with you and are always with you.. Friends are always friends no matter what.. and every friendship ya3ni goes through its good and bad phases, 3adi khales..

Please REMEMBER that you can make a difference by taking the first step and bridging the gap..

I know it requires a lot of courage to take certain steps, bas bardo mabastaw3bsh eno anything, a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g can separate 2 friends who respect and understand each other! begad mabastaw3ebhash di!

Well, let me say eno life sometimes separates people so that they can realize how much they mean to each other.. I guess..

P.S: Most often when people look back at their broken friendships, they regret it. So, What are you waiting for?


"A simple friend thinks the friendship over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight".

!الحمد لله الذي جعل من ذكري هذا اليوم المؤلمة رحمة ومرحمة
.. لا يمكن كانت هتتحل إلا بيد الله
...

163) !ووقفت وقفة مع نفسي

إذا رأيت الله يحبس عنك الدنيا .. ويكثر عليك الشدائد والبلوي .. فاعلم أنك عزيز عنده .. وأنك عنده بمكان .. وأنه يسلك بك طريق أوليائه وأصفيائه .. وأنه يراك .. أما تسمع قوله تعالي "واصبر لحكم ربك فإنك بأعيننا"!ا

.. براحة علي يا رب

...

140) Yes.. No.. Oh! I Don't Even Know..!!

. . . . . ., why can't you be straight with me?

Sometimes, you give me the feeling that I don't know you; who you are.. how you feel.. what makes you happy.. it's always a 'maybe'!

Maybe Yes ..

Maybe No..

Maybe I don't even know..

... Eih da begad?! Howa ana kont bat-thabet wala eih..!!!

...

126) .. المؤمن ..

اسم الله المؤمن يشكل مصدرا أساسيا للضياء في حياتي اليومية .. يلمسني بمعناه .. وصداه .. ومحتواه
هو الله .. هو المؤمن .. هو الذي يصدق وعده مع عباده .. فهو المؤمن .. وهو مع المؤمن .. يؤمنه من عذابه .. ويجيره من ظلم الظالمين .. ومن حقد الحاقدين .. ويصدقه عند ظنه .. فلا يخذله .. ولا يخيب رجائه

يا رب ماتسبنيش .. أنا من غيرك مافيش .. مافيش!!
. . .
شئ يئن بداخلي :'(
. . .

110) Salam.Sweet.September :: New Beginnings.Fresh Resolutions!

Good Bye September . . .

I . Love . YOu . . .

and I LOve Being a Virgo . . .

and I believe that VIRGO - THE PERPECTIONIST

Dominant in relationships. Consevative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very Smart. Very Creative. Dislikes noice and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk. Hard to please. Practical. Often Shy. Vehhhry Organized. Sensitive. LOving. Generous. Optimistic. . .

But -lel2asaf- it seems that 2010 is the year of loosing some of my great dreams and lots of my beautiful smiles, for a whole bag of reasons > > > Mom who raised me is suffering from a serious illness. My country that I love is dying. The people I used to respect, appreciate, understand and love do not care... and sooo much emotions are suppressed. But the biggest one is that, by then, ... well, ... I'll keep it to myself a7ssan.
This doesn't mean I've to stop living ya3ni. La2. I think kaman eno it's time ba2ah for a new beginnings and fresh resolutions...

For me, peace is the most important thing, and I believe that peace begins with a smile -a beautiful one- and a smile is the key to forgiviness. and Forgiviness is the key to action and freedom... O keda...

Yesterday is not ours to recover. Khalass. But tomorrow is ours to live ba2ah and to stay more comfortable, more assured, more confident, less stressed, happier, more positive... and the list goes on... Simply tomorrow is ours to win or lose... and winning doesn't always mean being first, but it means we're doing better than we've done before...

New Beginning . Fresh Resolutions . For a Better Tomorrow

1) Challenge Yourself and forget about the past with all its beautiful/good and bad sides/experiences/memories.

2) Challenge Yourself. Fight. and Come back ba2ah... !

3) Challenge Yourself and never again waste your energy, time, heart on someone who doesn't [won't say deserve you] value you.

You may say I'm a dreamer. I'm not. or maybe I'm not the only one. I just believe that everything we can imagine is real... Don't Worry. Be Happy. We need to find a way to live the life...

P.s. The real Rawanie is fighting to come back, and al7amdulellah, final count down has started! :D

Salam . Sweet . September
♥ ♥ ♥

P.p.s> This post is dedicated to someone that I have already lost his address!

100) أَنتَ أَغلى مِنَ الأَنا

"Why are you leaving me?
He wrote, I do not know how to live...
I do not know either but I am trying...
I do not know how to try...
There were some things I wanted to tell him...
But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them and let them hurt me"

:/

... لنا أحباب لا يسكنون بقربنا

... ولكن يسكنون بقلوبنا

... يظل شذي ذكراهم يعطر قلوبنا

... كلما نضبت ينابيع المودة في حياتنا

... أغلي الأشواق نبعثها إليهم

xx

95) And He Thinks What He Always Thinks!

He is never satisfied . . .
If he has a little, he wants more . . .
If he has a lot, he wants still more . . .
Once he has more, mmm, wala balash . . . !
. . . and he thinks what he always thinks . . .

Is it just that he doesn't understand how simple happiness is?
I don't know . . .
He always asks . . .
Who am I?
What am I doing here?
I don't need this. I don't need that. In fact, I need very little from everyone. I have all I want. I am big! I am great! I Am Big Mind . . .
I can have any woman I desire. Even though, I am lonely, and alone, and tired . . .
I NEED TO FIND MY PARTNER!!
I want her to be young, sexy, pretty, intelligent, rich, and famous . . .
. . . and he thinks what he always thinks . . .

I was planning to be happy . . .
Why the hell I am not happy!!
People like me. and they adore my work. They always tell me that. Others call me a hero . . .
Women . . .
Oh women immediately find some way of approaching me. They praise and flatter me. and offer me what they think I need . . .
The only thing I am interested in is sex . . .
But all I want is to be left alone . . .
. . . and he thinks what he always thinks . . .

Then what?!!
. . .

86) What Does The World Want Of Me!

If I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, be faithful to myself. If I’m looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre loves out of my system. The little experience of life I’ve had has thought me that no one owns anything, that everything is an illusion - and that applies to material as well as spiritual things. Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever (as has happened often enough to me already) finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.
And if nothing belongs to me, then there’s no point wasting my time looking after things that aren’t mine; it’s best to live as if today were the first (or last) day of my life.

...

85) Alone & Lonely !!

I am home alone; again! and it will be for a while. I really feel sooo lonely. Lonely with all possible meanings of the word...

My dear Mom is in the hospital. Just left her and arrived home feeling like I will start to cry... My sister and her sweet small family [her hunsband, my cute niece, and my lovely nephew] are still in Jaddah...

My love, my true mate... Lost by the Fates... Found by the moon.

My love, my true mate... Come to me... Now, don't delay.

by Zsuzsanna E. Budapest

(Repeat three times.)

...

My question is: What is the difference between being lonely and alone?!

...

80) ! .. لو كان يرضيك تفضل كدا قدامي خلاص خليك

..! عاوز تسيب صورتك كدا سيبها

.. وتعالي علي نفسك وعذبها

.. بس إبقي قولي اللي إنت فيه دا نهايته إيه

حرام عليك

...

74) June 1st !

Oh Lala ... It's June 1st already!

A special day, really. Special occasion. But I can't tell if it is a good one or [...]. Should I love the day or [...]? Should I be happy or [...]? Should I feel good or [...]? Should I celebrate or [...]? Should this day bring good memories or [...]? Should I smile or [...] Should I say:"Koll sana o enta [...] or [...]? 

I am confused!

Complete...

65) Baba Aly!

Dear Baba Aly,

This is probably the hardest letter for me to write. Believe me when I say I miss you. and feel that I am in a real need to see you, talk to you as well.
Life is short. It has been 15 years since you left this world. God bless your soul...
Here, in our life, you can't imagine how people keep hurting each other everyday. Sooo many things to tell and how I feel ! I can talk about the matter for days ...
I have had so many feelings over the last few months about m..... Baba Aly, let's talk better in private.
-------
(Very Long Private Letter)
-------

The biggest question I have for you now is:
Why did he treat me so harshly? Why was I beaten with a belt, in public and at the hardest time of my life?! Did doing this make him feel better? It made me feel lousy, worthless, and ashamed of something I had no control over.
Is it possible to forgive him after all what he did? Should I forgive him aslan?

Baba Aly, thank you for listening. But I still have a lot inside...
May you rest in peace . . .

Sincerely,
Rawani

64) Something in my heart!

. . . Ya Rabb . . .

. . .

61) Remember !

I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen

...

54) لن أعود - Lan A3oud..!! - 2

كنت أعلم أنني أحيا بقلبك من جديد
لا أفارقه وأنك لست من غيري سعيد
كل هذا الحب يحيا في خيالي ألف عيد
حين عدت اليوم ترتجي عهدا أكيد
. . . كي أعود
. . . لن أعود

كنت تعلم أنني أشقي ببعدك والفراق
كنت تعلم أن حبي كان صلبا عنيد
حين جئت اليوم تدعوني لعشك واللقاء
صار دفء العش في عيني كهفا من جليد
. . . لن أعود
. . . لن أعود

48) Are You OK ?!

Are You OK ?
This is a very hard question for me. It’s not easy to show how I feel - Whether I am OK or . . .

Are You OK ?
People often ask this question - I know it’s good to be around people. Friends and family love us. and can help us - especially when we are down. But actually (on a second thought), not all of them... Some hurt us; in public! Some kill us, by words ... But al7amdulellah a least the rest of them can.
I just thought I could handle everything on my own. But I can’t! I realize that now.

Are You OK?
Every time someone asks me that question I say “I am fine. Thank You” and I smile like that :) No! I think I smile like that :] ... Well I don’t know. I smile O khalas!
But to be very honest, I am not OK!
Yes. Oh yes - I am not OK. I feel . . . I even can’t tell. Can’t imagine. Can’t believe.
So...
Do people really want to know how you feel when they ask “Are You OK ?”
Or ...
Are they just trying to be polite?

Are You OK ?
Oooh Allah! Things used to be different!
Didn’t any body understand what I was going through?
Tell me ... Don’t worry ...
I know you all know what I have been through. Yes . I know you all know! That’s blatantly obvious. But, you all don’t seem to understand that I am still going through it. (!!!)
and I have a million Why. Why. Why. Why. W... I didn’t do but good stuff. I don’t deserve such a cruel words. and I can’t just move on with my life like you are all doing, and pretend that nothing had happened. Because it hurts me. It’s difficult for me. He was my best hero. I told him some things that I would never told anyone else. and whenever I wanted to have fun, I went to him. I made many of his days. and I wanted to help him to get back to himself that he has been missed... Just because I have never met him doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel him. But also it doesn’t mean that I have to stop living! Yes - It’s difficult. Yes - It’s horrible. Yes - It’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. Let me repeat this again and again and again... Yes - It’s difficult. Yes - It’s horrible. Yes - It’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. What made the worse is that he didn’t even try to say sorry. and here I have an another why - When you realize you have made a mistake, why don’t you take immediate steps to correct it? Why didn't you try to understand me? Why didn't you ask what was going wrong with me? Why didn't you try to figure out why I did what I did? W ... ? tab howa ana astahel keda ?!

Are You OK ?
. . . Well, . . . I really do not know. So, to answer the question, I feel blessed - al7amdulellah. But I am not sure if I am OK.
I wish love and happiness and peeeace on everyone.

So...

Are You OK ?
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"There is always a truth behind just kidding.
There is always a little emotion behind I don’t care.
There is always a I need you behind leave me alone.
There is always a little pain behind it’s OK.
There is always a lot of words behind silence."